All throughout the day today I've been on the cusp of clarity. Most days as of late have been cloudy and murky as far as my thoughts and motivations are concerned. I've been thinking about what i want to be for my whole life and have had some ideas at different times at what "my future holds" there aren't futures. or rather the future yu end up with is about as personal as the body your born in. by that i mean that given two sets of genetic material there are only a certain number of combinations that you might end up with even though the human mind isn't capable of fathoming that number there is still only a set number of combinations. Whereas with you"mind" or who you are inside of the body. that can very quite a bit more. even with two people with the same genes were to experience the same events at the same time. they in theory would still behave differently to some degree. i guess maybe these things aren't so disparate but it DOES illustrate an interesting point about how i identify with my body and that "me" within me which i call my mind.

I find it hard to maintain momentum with knowing what i want and what i should do next. Forget next, i have a lot of trouble staying aware of what i should be doing right NOW.

It feels good to write again. i feel more expressive and like this is a much better usage of my time than watching White Collar on Netflix. Historically though, as i have read through my old writings and try to hear the voice in which my former self talked I end up becoming judgmental of not only the person i was but the voice in which i talked in. My present view of my former self is that of an annoying little brother. one that is there and there exists this inexplicable link to and yet, i can't stand to be within any amount of distance to.

Some days, (usually when I'm at my menial day job) i get a moment of clarity but it's usually one of those. " oh if I wasn't at work right now then i would have time to go home and tend the garden or apply for college or look for a different job. " most of the time as soon as i step foot into my house, all motivation flies out the window. I end up picking up my laptop and turning on some netflix show and gazing into the glimmering darkness that is the internet.

I haven't written a stream of consciousness post in a while and it feels minority rewarding.

I find it hard to accept credit. wether it be from me or those around me. I'mm not sure what thats about. maybe it's a lack of confidence. like, I don't deserve these compliments because i can't maintain the adoration or " i better not focus on this too much because it will go to my head subtly and i'll lose focus on getting better because I'll be too busy gloating and being proud of myself to actually advance further. " but then instead of advancing further, i shut down like in an instant. one second I'm accomplishing goals and getting things done and then proof, i could tell you what i was focused on if you asked me. it's insane.

I'm going to go workout down in the garage.
JUMP ROPE
SQUATS
BENCH PRESS
KETTLEBELL
BARBELL CURLS
TRICEP DIP THING (with the barbells)

private privee prize

pyramidas are the bell curve. triangles are the bell curve. at the highest point(s) the most average is formed. or rather at the exact highest point something special happens. god and then the surrounding points are in his image but not that special point.

triangles harness life energy. cultures of varied locations back this up. a symbol of the natural processes tht make up everything.


.pyramid pyro fire sun god.

omnilinguistic

unlikely friends is a term to describe the universe and the balance of oposite forces. clashing states that directly interfere with each other but work together harmoniously nonetheless

unlikely friends

im starting to have some really simplifying ideas at work. and other times i cant bring myself off my ass to put action into motion and occupy my time. i have been reading more however. i wnder what my life will be like after i have read this book .. into the future im thrusted, blindly flung down the well of time

freefall domino

duality of man, outer shell inner beauty working together to form the whole, the outside is security , the inside is freedom,

the outer shell of a person,(what others see you as) influenced by your perception of what style and design mean is meant to protect you so you can go from place to place, the more layers you wear the more safe you feel. thick winter jacket. facemask. gloves. winter is for hiding. hibernation? your inner spirit,and free-will are stifled by the cold and white snowy blankets, layers of the earth, a thick coat of water to cover and renew the inner more expressive summer.


the inner spirit of a person,(what noone can change, a bursting hot inferno of imagination, creativity, expression. isolation steals away the need to shell (protect, conceal, layer, complicate) you r outer self is more free and visual. timid creativity? social society sociopath evils of humanity. to protect from the crowded huddled cramped masses.



security when theres no freedom
freedom when theres no security



the more people in a park, the more ruined the parks beauty. population is the bane of humanity.

shopping malls, complex, cage,



we are herded, the shepard steers us
religon accept this, create more people,
go to church, pack in the pew,and you will be guided.

anarchy, antichrist,

freedom freeedom free dominion domino freefall

stats an' lats

mountains and the bell curve. meditate on that.

ambiguous analogies

ambiguity is simple


today as i was driving to work (after being called in) i was thinking about



the "right way"
which i would loosely define as taking the appropriate actions in my current life to enable me to live my life, and be as happy as possible in my final moment(the moment immediately before my death)

looking into my definition further, i realise there are two conditions that must be met in order to be happy. extend my life and be happy in my final moment

nature vs nurture

i think these two sides represent a learned or egotistical side and an inherant natural urge to be happy

death is necesary and natural to all life on earth so why try to manipulate it? to extend life? i think is also a natural instinct just

as deer run from hunters we take medication? is this the same? i think humans go the extra mile. we fight the death that comes from age. what other animal runs from old age like we?

is death a predator?

is it too much of a strain on nature for humans to extend their life? how could it be? anything we could concieve
of doing is natural, because were natural a bird builds a nest a human builds a house.

cant nature adjust? maybe it does, it must. whos to say what is because of what? butterflies causing tornados? maybe we have created cancer or aids or one of the many epidemics thy have come, or maybe we have created them all just by existing we use and push an manipulate and all these things are done to us in retaliation.


you cant stop nature, dont get caught on these words

remember what the feeling of it not the word you would use represent it.

the more simple of a life you have, the happier you will be.

i think meditation is vacationing in a more pure mindest, just feeling and seeking. like crawling through the darkness of a cave, experience and emotion, contemplation and complexity, the fuel feeds and motion is set.


analogy is my rosetta stone