All throughout the day today I've been on the cusp of clarity. Most days as of late have been cloudy and murky as far as my thoughts and motivations are concerned. I've been thinking about what i want to be for my whole life and have had some ideas at different times at what "my future holds" there aren't futures. or rather the future yu end up with is about as personal as the body your born in. by that i mean that given two sets of genetic material there are only a certain number of combinations that you might end up with even though the human mind isn't capable of fathoming that number there is still only a set number of combinations. Whereas with you"mind" or who you are inside of the body. that can very quite a bit more. even with two people with the same genes were to experience the same events at the same time. they in theory would still behave differently to some degree. i guess maybe these things aren't so disparate but it DOES illustrate an interesting point about how i identify with my body and that "me" within me which i call my mind.

I find it hard to maintain momentum with knowing what i want and what i should do next. Forget next, i have a lot of trouble staying aware of what i should be doing right NOW.

It feels good to write again. i feel more expressive and like this is a much better usage of my time than watching White Collar on Netflix. Historically though, as i have read through my old writings and try to hear the voice in which my former self talked I end up becoming judgmental of not only the person i was but the voice in which i talked in. My present view of my former self is that of an annoying little brother. one that is there and there exists this inexplicable link to and yet, i can't stand to be within any amount of distance to.

Some days, (usually when I'm at my menial day job) i get a moment of clarity but it's usually one of those. " oh if I wasn't at work right now then i would have time to go home and tend the garden or apply for college or look for a different job. " most of the time as soon as i step foot into my house, all motivation flies out the window. I end up picking up my laptop and turning on some netflix show and gazing into the glimmering darkness that is the internet.

I haven't written a stream of consciousness post in a while and it feels minority rewarding.

I find it hard to accept credit. wether it be from me or those around me. I'mm not sure what thats about. maybe it's a lack of confidence. like, I don't deserve these compliments because i can't maintain the adoration or " i better not focus on this too much because it will go to my head subtly and i'll lose focus on getting better because I'll be too busy gloating and being proud of myself to actually advance further. " but then instead of advancing further, i shut down like in an instant. one second I'm accomplishing goals and getting things done and then proof, i could tell you what i was focused on if you asked me. it's insane.

I'm going to go workout down in the garage.
JUMP ROPE
SQUATS
BENCH PRESS
KETTLEBELL
BARBELL CURLS
TRICEP DIP THING (with the barbells)